I questioned God's faithfulness, goodness, and timing. In my head I knew the theology- God loves me, I do not understand His ways, all things are for His good, He is NOT punishing me for past sin- but my heart felt the exact opposite. I began to wrestle with the fact that maybe I would not have biological children and actually began to rest in the idea that adoption was a wonderful option. But here we were, in July of 2010, with a positive pregnancy test, and all I had was fear and jealousy. Fear of another loss and coveting the freedom of the pregnant women around me who seemed so happy- as though tomorrow they knew this life would continue. I had no such assurance and I was angry at them for the splendid naivety they walked in everyday. In fact, I confess that I secretly hoped that someone else would experience pregnancy loss so I didn't feel so very alone. Again, I reiterate that I was A MESS.
By the time I reached the middle of the second trimester, I felt good about this pregnancy as I had never made it past 10 weeks with the others. Aside from getting a massive infection and being hospitalized for a week at the end of the second trimester, the pregnancy itself was smooth. And at 12:13 pm on March 3, Titus Andrew was born. I held, for the first time, after 3 years of agony, doubt, and anger, a literal miracle.
Because of our struggles to get pregnant with Titus, making the decision to not use birth control was relatively simple. And by simple, what I really mean is we chose to use it, but those two months I was a raging lunatic who snapped at my husband and friends with disasterous frequency. So, we simply stopped using it, and took into heavy consideration the fact that getting pregnant was not easy the first time. I honestly thought that it could be five years before I would be able to get pregnant again, if at all. So, much to my surprise, I found out I was pregnant again a few days before Titus' first birthday. I was floored. Excited. And then there was that nagging feeling that maybe this one would not be viable. Fast forward to November 7, 2012 at just past 8:00 pm, and sweet Jonah was added to our family.
As I can now reflect on our loss and struggles without breaking into tears, I am able to be far more open to the idea that God truly has been in control this whole time. I do not know or understand His ways, but as I look at my family and who I have become through all of this, I do know that His ways are good. I cannot tell you the number of women I have been able to console, empathize with, and counsel during their times of loss. And as selfish and self-serving as my desire was during those dark spiritual times (you know, when I was hoping that someone else would have a pregnancy loss so I could have someone else dealing with all this), I see how God was using my awareness of my own need (to have someone who understood) to become that person for so many others.
So, now we fast-forward to post Jonah being born. Once again, we are torn on the whole "birth control thing". I hate the way the pill makes me feel and act, but Jonah was born pretty quickly after Titus, and I don't think I want that again. We begin to pray and I decide that I think waiting at least a couple of years is ok. I decide to go with an IUD, and half-heartidly ask God to stop me if this is not his desire. I go in for what was to be a regular procedure and leave with a clear answer. My doctor is unable to insert the IUD, and in her words, "I just don't know, I've never had this happen. The way your uterus is shaped, I cannot get it in. You will not be able to get an IUD today or ever. If I continue to try, I will perforate your uterus." I was shocked. This was my plan. What about my plan??? So, I sulkingly take her bag of birth control pill samples (she gave me quite a bit because she felt pretty bad about the whole thing) and go home to talk it all over with Erik. Even though I see how God right then had given me a clear answer (pretty obvious), I still refused to submit. I took those samples until they were no more. And then we decided that we would no longer take control. I suppose I should say "I" there. "I" will no longer take control; I had been disobedient to his leading in our lives. Two weeks after I ran out of those pills, Erik and I had a romantic getaway for my birthday, and lo and behold, another little Thien was conceived.
And so, it is with great excitement that we announce baby Thien #3 is coming. May of 2014. I am excited, nervous, and flabbergasted with God's ways. They are certainly not my own. I don't know what this means for our future birth control efforts, but I know for now, God has told us to submit this area of our lives to him. I don't want 16 kids, but if that is something that God asks of me, I guess I should at least consider that (and yes, I am joking, but only half-joking).
I am just over 8 weeks, we have seen a heartbeat on the ultrasound, and everything is as it should be at this point. There is always a tinge of fear with pregnancy, even still, so if you could lift our family up over the next couple of weeks, it would be wonderful, Praying for another healthy Thien, and maybe I'll even get a girl this time!