For those that have been praying in earnest for our baby... we have hit a pregnancy road marker! I am officially in the second trimester. We have the seen the glorious little bean on that fuzzy black and white screen. The pictures, taken seven weeks ago, hang on my fridge as that visual reminder of the life inside me... and that nudge to eat some protein and grab a yogurt. It still seemed so distant and implausible that it would ever really happen 7 weeks ago. While I prayed and thanked God for the possibility of parenthood yet again, there was still that gripping fear that it could all disappear. One morning I could wake up, and it would all be over. And while I know it's still possible (some might say I'm a pessimist)... I can't help but get more excited with each passing day.
We heard a strong heartbeat again at 11 weeks, and my expanding belly continues to indicate that everyone is still growing. I'm 14 weeks in... looking at maternity clothes and starting a registry, but still too tenative to dive in too far. And while I love being around pregnant friends and hearing their excitement about the impending babies that are about to change their lives... I feel a sting of jealousy as I just can't seem to jump the hurdle into believing I am actually going to get to hold this one. Name this one. I'm so envious of the freeing naivity that they can have each day, each doctor appointment not wondering if this will be the time they hear "I'm sorry". I don't want this for anyone... I just don't want it for me, either.
Here we go, traveling down a road traveled by so many before me. I just feel like I have a lot of extra baggage to take with me on this road. It's going to take me a little bit longer to acknowledge for sure that we are "having a baby". I will still cringe when people refer to my belly as "baby Thien", because the thought of losing that little piece of us is just too much for me to bear right now. For now, I'm happy each night I go to sleep with the hope of a baby in a few short months.
We heard a strong heartbeat again at 11 weeks, and my expanding belly continues to indicate that everyone is still growing. I'm 14 weeks in... looking at maternity clothes and starting a registry, but still too tenative to dive in too far. And while I love being around pregnant friends and hearing their excitement about the impending babies that are about to change their lives... I feel a sting of jealousy as I just can't seem to jump the hurdle into believing I am actually going to get to hold this one. Name this one. I'm so envious of the freeing naivity that they can have each day, each doctor appointment not wondering if this will be the time they hear "I'm sorry". I don't want this for anyone... I just don't want it for me, either.
Here we go, traveling down a road traveled by so many before me. I just feel like I have a lot of extra baggage to take with me on this road. It's going to take me a little bit longer to acknowledge for sure that we are "having a baby". I will still cringe when people refer to my belly as "baby Thien", because the thought of losing that little piece of us is just too much for me to bear right now. For now, I'm happy each night I go to sleep with the hope of a baby in a few short months.