Nothing incredibly challenging, but a worth the read; what do you think of modesty, and how does it affect your fashion decisions, if at all?
Click to read the article at Relevant Magazine:
Click to read the article at Relevant Magazine:
Nothing incredibly challenging, but a worth the read; what do you think of modesty, and how does it affect your fashion decisions, if at all?
Click to read the article at Relevant Magazine:
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I have always struggled with failure. That struggle has come to me very naturally; even as a child the idea of failing at anything would bring me to tears. Once, in first grade, I could not remember how to spell "carnation" on a spelling test. Ashamed that I would not get a 100% on the test, I began to cry my 7 year-old heart out. My teacher, likely perturbed by my need for perfection, walked over and whispered the spelling in my ear so I could write it down, and I got that 100% that I felt so entitled to..
Unfortunately, we don't always have someone who can whisper in our ear the right answer.We often have to make decisions blindly and make some big mistakes. There are days when I feel like a failure, usually my failures are areas of sin I struggle with. At home as a mom, I am less patient then I want to be. In my marriage, a harsh word coming from my mouth may haunt me for weeks. As a friend, I really suck at staying in contact with people. I fail in my flesh; impure thoughts race through my mind; I linger on an inappropriate television show a little too long. It's not the moment of failure that gets me hung up, it's the spiritual warfare afterwards that dashes me to pieces. Satan uses these moments to have me question my position in Christ: righteous, redeemed, adopted. How do we confront the enemy when we fail, how do we keep him from taking hold of our sins to use them against us? If you are like me, I want to share with you a verse that has significant impact in my life. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. 9 Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord’s wrath, until he pleads my case and upholds my cause. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness. 10 Then my enemy will see it and will be covered with shame, she who said to me, “Where is the Lord your God?” My eyes will see her downfall; even now she will be trampled underfoot like mire in the streets. -Micah 7:8-10 Do not allow yourself to be covered in shame from your failures. Yes, deal with them, confess and repent, but do not allow Satan to use them against you. The Lord has already pleaded your case; the price has been paid. I meditate over this scripture, I have even said it aloud in some low moments in my life. I am a daughter of the most high, though I may fall, I will rise. Over the next few weeks, my posts will be centered around modesty. Before you assume this will be a blasé, biased, or boring, I wanted to ensure that I will attempt to challenge how most of us currently approach the topic. If you have some specific questions or ideas you would like me to explore in the area of modesty, I encourage you to send me an email or leave a comment on this post. "I do not believe in sex distinction in literature, law, politics, or trade- or that modesty and virtue are more becoming to women than to men, but wish we had more of it everywhere." Some lies have crept slowly upon me, while other lies I have embraced for many, many years. It seems that the older I get, the deeper that the lies seem to cut into me. I can’t shake them, and many nights, I toss and turn as the incessant barrage overwhelms me. I eventually get out of bed, hoping to numb the pain and anxiety that often accompanies these moments. I browse through Pinterest or watch something in my Netflix cue- anything to get my mind to stop for a moment- to stop the assault of malicious, anti-Emily propaganda that runs through my head.
Tonight is no exception. I tossed and turned, worried about some silly daily tasks (I really need to wash these sheets; the dishes in the sink are probably going to smell tomorrow). I worried about my marriage (Oh, God, I think it’s been a week since we had sex. Are we ok? Is he ok?). Worried about my kids (I really need to put another lock on the French doors so Titus can’t open them), and so on. These are distractions, little things meant to wear me out, so that I’m really worked up when these thoughts start:” Am I not physically attractive anymore with this post-baby body?”, “I yelled at Titus today, maybe I’m not a good mom”, “I didn’t call my friend again today; they probably don’t want to hear from me anyway.” Satan is really crafty, especially when it comes to crafting lies. His mouth is full of lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue. Psalm 10:7 Unfortunately, instead of taking these things to the Lord, I usually just try to numb them, make the pain stop by distracting myself (TV, internet, a book). Busyness. In fact, I did not write for a very long time because of a lie that I believed, “You have nothing to say and no one wants to listen”. I am challenging myself to deal with the pain of these lies, and rather than numbing them with a task to do or a show to watch, I am trying to bring them to the Lord. Write in my journal. Pray. Sit in silence and let God vindicate me as the wife, mother, and friend that I believe he desires for me to be. I hope that you will join me. It’s going to be hard, because if you are like me, you have built up a defense system that gets you through the day, a system of distracters and ways to turn your mind off. Before turning on a movie, I want to ask myself, “Am I trying to avoid dealing with something else? Is there something I need to bring before the Lord right now?” I hope that I will begin to find healing and that God will vindicate me, shedding light upon those lies that I have believed. The LORD will vindicate me; your love, LORD, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands. Psalm 138:8 Here I am. Yes, it’s been a long, long time. Two years later, two kids later. I can’t say that I’m over the struggles of my previous blog posts, but I can say I am moving forward.
Moving away from bitterness into reflection. Moving beyond pity and into gratefulness. I believe that my struggle to have children made me a stronger person, but I still can’t go so far to say that I would do it again. That I enjoyed it. That I see why it happened the way that it did. I just can’t go that far. I can say “God used it” in the same way I can make sense of God using other painful things to teach a lesson. That is to say, “I just don’t get it”. But here I am. I hug my kids a little tighter. I am uberly aware of what comes out of my mouth, as I know that some unintentional words can hurt so badly. I cringe at Mother’s Day in church, when I know that there are women sitting around me who feel the carnations being passed out, daggers, reminding them of their own daily turmoil. I’ve been there. And I wouldn’t do it again. But what do I do now? How do I move from being the women who was “infertile”, “unlucky”, “barren” into motherhood? I don’t know, but I’m going to try. I might mess up and hurt feelings, but please know that it’s not intentional. I may talk about my kids at an obnoxious level, but know that it is only because I remember what it was like without them. So here I go. I have not written in this blog for two years, but in those two years I still had over 400 views. I had random people and friends contact me, asking me to write again. Thank you, if that was you. I was so encouraged. In blog world, that is not much, but it did give me some hope for writing again. I’ll talk more about that later. And no, this entire blog will not be about my previous infertility struggles, but just about me, my life, my thoughts, and who I am striving to be. Encourage me to continue writing by following my blog, reading it, and sharing with me about what you think. I WILL be writing on here more frequently, so join me on my journey. Emily |
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